Skip to main content
FMLY5-min read

Preparing to Blend

By Ron L. Deal

#Blended families#Premarital counseling#Stepfamilies#Family bonding#Grief integration#Faith

Section 1: Analysis & Insights

Executive Summary​

Thesis: You cannot build a new family on top of a broken one without deliberate architectural work. "Blending" is a slow-cooker process (Crock-Pot), not a blender. It takes 5-7 years to integrate. Preparation before the wedding is critical to surviving the "merger."

Unique Contribution: Deal introduces the Blended Family Map (Genogram) as the primary tool for visualizing the complex web of loyalties and ghosts. He insists that "Couple Love" is not enough to sustain a "Stepfamily System." You need specific "Familyness" strategies.

Target Outcome: A family that has realistic expectations (low conflict), a unified parenting strategy (biological parent leads), and a culture of honoring the past while building the future.

Chapter Breakdown​

  • The Map: Visualizing the family system.
  • The Expectations: Debunking the "Brady Bunch" myth.
  • The Wedding: Planning a ceremony that honors the complexity.
  • The Parenting: The crucial "Hand-off" method of authority.
  • The Grief: Why you must grieve before you can bond.

Nuanced Main Topics​

The "Crock-Pot" vs. "The Blender"​

A blender chops everything up to make a smooth mix instantly. This destroys identity and hurts. A Stepfamily is a Crock-Pot: You throw in distinct ingredients (people) and let them simmer on low heat for years. They eventually share flavors, but they keep their shape. Patience is the only setting that works.

Relational Authority​

Stepparents often think, "I'm an adult, so you must obey me." This fails. Authority in families is based on relationship, not position. Since the stepparent has no relationship history, they have zero "Relational Authority." They must borrow authority from the biological parent initially, while slowly building a friendship (earning the right to lead).

The "Insider/Outsider" Dynamic​

This is structural, not personal. The biological parent and child are "Insiders" (share history, inside jokes, DNA). The stepparent is the "Outsider." The Insider parent often feels torn (The "Trapped" position) while the Outsider feels rejected. Acknowledging this dynamic reduces blame. "I'm not being excluded because they hate me; I'm excluded because I'm new."

Grief Accompanies Joy​

In a first marriage, everyone is happy. In a remarriage, the couple is happy, but the kids are often sad (because this confirms their parents are never getting back together). You must allow space for the kids' grief during your joy. "It's okay to be sad at the wedding."

Section 2: Actionable Framework

The Checklist​

  • Create Family Map: Draw the Genogram involving all exes and kids.
  • Label Relationships: Hot, Warm, Cool, Cold.
  • Parenting Plan: Biological parent does discipline for first 1-2 years.
  • Financial Merger: Decide on "One Pot" vs. "Two Pots" (transparency is key).
  • Wedding Plan: Include elements that honor the children's past/loss.
  • Name Game: Decide what kids will call the stepparent (Kids' choice).

Implementation Steps (Process)​

Process 1: The "Parenting Hand-Off"​

Purpose: Establish authority without rebellion.

Steps:

  1. Phase 1 (Years 1-2): Bio parent is the "Sheriff" (enforcer). Stepparent is the "Babysitter" (reminds of rules, calls Sheriff for backup).
  2. Stepparent Task: Focus 100% on connection ("Let's get ice cream") to build "Relational Equity."
  3. Phase 2 (Years 3+): Once the child seeks the stepparent for comfort, the Stepparent can start enforcing small rules.
  4. United Front: Behind closed doors, agree on the rules. In front of kids, Bio parent delivers the verdict.

Process 2: The "Three-Message" Wedding​

Purpose: A ceremony that validates everyone.

Steps:

  1. Message 1: "We (Couple) are committed." (Vows).
  2. Message 2: "Your past matters." (Acknowledge the loss/other parent/history).
  3. Message 3: "We are a new team." (Family Sand Ceremony or Medallions).
  4. Note: Do not force kids to make vows. It creates a loyalty bind.

Process 3: The "Expectation Recalibration"​

Purpose: Prevent disappointment.

Steps:

  1. List: Write down what you expect (e.g., "We will have family game nights every Friday").
  2. ** Reality Check**: Ask, "Is this realistic given the kids' ages and loyalty to the other house?"
  3. Adjust: Lower the bar. "We will try one game night a month and see how it goes."
  4. Motto: "Less Pressure, More Time."

Process 4: Change Management Meeting​

Purpose: Reduce anxiety about the merge.

Steps:

  1. Meeting: Gather everyone.
  2. List: "Let's list everything that will change" (Rooms, Schools, Rules).
  3. List: "Let's list everything that will stay the same" (Love, Baseball practice, Grandma).
  4. Validate: "Change is hard. We will figure it out together."

Common Pitfalls​

  • Forcing "Dad/Mom" Labels: Demanding the child use parental titles breeds resentment.
  • The "Rescue" Fantasy: Stepparent thinks, "I'm going to save these kids from their lack of structure." (Insults the Bio parent/kids).
  • Ignoring the Ex: Pretending the other house doesn't exist. (The kids live there; you must respect it).
  • Speeding: Trying to fast-forward the "Crock-Pot."